literature

Forks and Knives

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stargirl2791's avatar
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Literature Text

I had a dream last night
that I was wandering around a
ghost house,
where memories lay buried beneath
dusty bits of future,
substitutions and scribbles;
eraser fragments
that obscure the past.

I remember this house,
coming over to spend time with family
and friends
who have disappeared into frailty;
filial love is so fragile.
I remember learning to scramble eggs,
mixing in salt and smiles
and giving the best omelettes to the dog
and suddenly I was a star of a five-star cooking show.

I remember wandering around the backyard,
making bonfires with dreams,
and imagining a world where I was entombed in its reverie.

I remember the smell of a summer afternoon,
mixed with blankets and pillows built into a dollhouse
for me and my polyethylene and polyester friends;
a fortress of whimsy,
in which I lay, keeping the sweat at bay,
the scent of time dancing on my chest.

I remember when it was cast into the past
for some stranger to take it and hold it in a tenuous grip,
when innocence began its exodus,
and naïve joy obscured reality one last time.

I remember when any hope of living a normal life
was shattered on senile screams,
and how the rest of my home was blocked behind a screen
of self-inflicted isolation.

And I remember the scrapes on my heart
(I still feel them today)
when the nightmare finally ended
in two violent gasps.

This house that I walked through
isn’t a mansion anymore;
it’s a mausoleum.

I led you into my memories
and as long as our lips were tangoing
the ghosts couldn’t get me,
and your arms swallowed me into safety.

I think I knew that it was a dream,
but my mind is split in two,
wandering down life-worn cobblestones
and pulling towards undiscovered trails,
and there is no room for me to settle in at the crossroads.
this was inspired as i was remembering a dream i had last night; i was in my grandparents' house, with some stranger and we were surrendering to each other's embrace.  i don't know who he was (i'm not sure i even liked him enough to kiss him), but the loneliness that's been pulling at my mind lately found its way into my subconscious.

life has been pretty okay for me recently; i have a dog, a summer job, my assistantship got renewed for the next year, my parents have time for me and time to work on the house.  life is turning out how we always wanted it to be.  but i'm finding that i'm not used to this, and i've been going through each day in fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop, wondering when this bliss will end, because it always has in the past.

i lived through middle school, high school, and college with my grandparents in my house, and it was only in one of those years that things were going okay.  then alzheimer's took hold in my grandfather, and age gradually got the better of my grandmother.

my greatest fear is senility.
© 2014 - 2024 stargirl2791
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Kat-vs-Art's avatar
:icondragoncomfort: Everything will be okay, I'm sure you just need some time to get used to things again :3